What Do I Do If I Think My Child Is Being Bullied?

We followed up with some general ideas on how to keep perspective when dealing with a mixed group of young children.  Hitting does happen, and meanness is something we can work to minimize but probably never eradicate.  Especially when we are talking about entering public school, we have to remember that every child experienced different parenting at home, and now they are all being mixed together each day and learning how to get along and how to meet the behavioral expectations of school.

What do you do if you have considered all of that, and you are sure your child is being targeted?  As soon as you start to see a pattern,

1.  Document what your child tells you.  Ask:

When did this happen?
Where were you?  Who was the adult supervising?
What were you doing before this happened?  What did you do after this happened?
Who else was around?  Did anyone else see?

2.  Bring your documentation to their TEACHER.  Understand that they will investigate, observe, and document as well, but ending bullying is not an overnight project.  Most bullies are adept at not getting caught, so it may be frustrating/infuriating to hear that the alleged bully struck again.  Document again, report to the teacher again.

3.  In the mean time, help your own child develop some strategies for getting out of situations they do not want to be in:

• Strong, forceful language: "Do not hit me!"  "Please stop, I do not like that!"  "Please leave me alone!"  If it's loud enough, you'll also alert the teacher that there is a problem.
• Move away from the alleged bully.  Move towards an adult who is supervising.  It is a clever trick to move towards someone who can help you if someone is following you and bothering you.  
• Report, report, report.  This is the hardest part for children.  Reiterate the importance of reporting to an adult AS SOON AS POSSIBLE after an incidence of bullying happens.  If we are going to help solve the problem, we need to know as soon as possible there is a problem.  Talking to a teacher during recess, quiet centers time, or before or after school are good options for children.  It is really difficult to talk through an incident the day after it happened with a five-year-old and get an accurate picture.

4.  If you have reported two or three incidents of bullying behavior to your child's teacher, and you do not see a change in the pattern, THEN it is time to involve the administration of the school.  The administrator can do plenty: 

• provide additional eyes during key times of day (recess, transitions)
• find resources to help the bully stop undesirable behaviors (and solve whatever problem is causing them to bully)
• provide professional development for the teacher or staff
• investigate incidents by interviewing children who may have seen or heard something
• listen

In all of this, please remember that the child who is hurting your child has needs and rights as well.  Most specifically, please respect confidentiality:  venting after school or bringing up children by name at a PTA or PTO meeting does not solve the problem, and will not likely incline the parents of the child in question get on board with changing behavior.

At school, some of the steps teachers and support staff may take when trying to zoom in on children who are struggling to be kind and safe around classmates that you may hear about:

1.  Whole class lessons and activities that will remind kindergarteners of appropriate and safe behavior, what to do if someone is unsafe, and other ways to solve problems besides getting physical.  

2.  Small group or one-on-one lessons and activities to help specific children further develop their ability to respect others (physically and emotionally).

3.  Increased awareness for all teachers that supervise the class, so they can better be on the lookout for potential situations where specific children might take the opportunity to hurt someone.

4.  Information for parents about developmentally appropriate behavior.