When Little Hands Hit at School

For many children, preschool and kindergarten are the first times they encounter behavior expectations outside of their immediate and extended family.  This can be a bit of a shock to children, and also to their parents.  Mixing 20 or more children from different families, all which have different philosophies and approaches to parenting, can result in some tension.

So what do we do if our child is reporting that a classmate is picking on them, is mean to them, or hurt them?

First, let us remember that young children have a limited vocabulary, and gravitate towards the strongest word possible to describe an event.  For example:

Student:  "Mr. Currey, Billy just screamed in my face."
Me:  "Hmm...I didn't hear any screaming in the classroom.  Tell me more about what happened."
We usually untangle that Billy spoke sternly or rudely, but was not screaming.  We can address the rude tone of voice with Billy, and we can help the student try to not take it personally.

Student: "Mr. Currey, Sally just punched me."
Me:  "Oh my, that's too bad.  Are you ok?  Tell me about what was happening."
Often, it is sorted out that the punch may have been a smaller hit, it may have been an accident, or it may have been part of a larger sequence of events (it's funny how children who report that a friend hit them rarely report that they hit their friend first!).

This is NOT to suggest that every time a child reports something, it turns out to be nothing, or at least more trivial than the reporting child perceives.  It just means we need to take the time to sort out the event, to listen to both sides, and help children develop the language they need to communicate, the empathy they need to understand that accidents happen, and the forgiving nature to recognize everyone has bad days.

So secondly, we need to remember we only ever have a piece of the bigger picture.  At home, we only hear our child's side of the story.  At school, we may hear two conflicting reports on what happened, filtered through the strong feelings of five-year-olds.  However, teachers do generally keep a close eye and ear out and know what's happening in their classroom MOST of the time.  I see students playing happily and safely together.  I also see that other students hardly ever cross paths, or were not in the same space when an incident may have happened.

With this in mind, the third point we need to remember is every child is on a different track of development, and this is always most noticeable in the younger years of school.  What is developmentally appropriate in kindergarten is a wide range of behaviors.  By "appropriate," I mean understandable, expected, or more excusable, even if it is not kind or what we hope to see from children.  Some children take longer to grow out of "Hitting is a Solution for Everything."  Some get away with it at home, so they try it at school.  Most have yet to develop a robust vocabulary for feelings and problem solving.

This provides students with the opportunity to learn forgiveness, patience, understanding, and empathy.

Student: "Mr. Currey, Edwin just called me a poopy face."
Me:  "I'm sorry he used unkind words.  It seems like he's been having a hard day.  Have you ever been so crabby you called someone a name?  I will go talk to Edwin and help him think of other ways he can talk to you."
Edwin apologizes, and the reporting student gets a chance to stretch their empathy muscles.

This may all sound like brushing off concerns of mean kids, bullies, and injuries or danger at school.  It is not, but it is in hope that parents can keep the perspective that their child's classmates may have a different level of expertise when it comes to kindness, and we need to work together to lift everyone up.

Click here for ideas on what to do if you believe a child's behaviors are outside of what can be considered developmentally appropriate.

At school, some of the steps teachers and support staff may take when trying to zoom in on children who are struggling to be kind and safe around classmates that you may see:

1.  Whole class lessons and activities that will remind kindergarteners of appropriate and safe behavior, what to do if someone is unsafe, and other ways to solve problems besides getting physical.  

2.  Small group or one-on-one lessons and activities to help specific children further develop their ability to respect others (physically and emotionally).

3.  Increased awareness for all teachers that supervise the class, so they can better be on the lookout for potential situations where specific children might take the opportunity to hurt someone.

4.  Information for parents about developmentally appropriate behavior.